Saturday, January 10, 2015

What Never Will

There are moments when the grief is so heavy that I feel like I cannot breathe. Those moments usually come after I have felt "normal" for a little bit. And the pain hits me like a block of cement. My chest gets tight, my heart aches, and I feel lost. Then I start to question the world around me and wonder how I got to this point. The pain is still so raw, as if she left me just yesterday, but it's been about seven weeks now.

I not only grieve the loss of Tenley, but also the dreams I had for her. While I was pregnant I would daydream about how our life would be when she was born. I imagined walking into her room in the mornings and her being excited for me to pick her up. I thought about how when she was hurt she would want me, her mommy, to comfort her. I was going to read her endless stories, teach her to sing songs to daddy when he came home, and do silly things just to make her laugh. But.... I will never see her smile or hear her laugh. I won't know the color of her eyes or if her hair was curly. I will never know if she was outgoing like me or quiet and thoughtful like Brendan. I don't get to go into her room each morning and greet her with a smile.

I torture myself with impossible questions- why us? Why did she get sick? Why couldn't anyone save her? Why didn't God intervene? While on Earth I will never have the answers, but I can't help but ask them. What mother wouldn't?

It's really amazing how someone so small who lived such a short time has impacted me so greatly. Being a mother, even for such a short time, is life changing. The love that I instantly had for Tenley is like no other I have ever known. That love is the reason that this pain runs so deep. 

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