Three months

Yesterday marked three months since Tenley was born and today marks three months since she passed away. I cannot believe that three months has gone by. It seems like just yesterday I held her in arms and kissed her sweet face as she drifted to heaven. 

Most parents take pictures of their three month old babies and post them online saying how time has flown by. My heart aches that I will never do that with Tenley. Instead of taking pictures of her, loving on her, and gushing over how much she has grown, we missed her and I cried for her.

My husband and I decided that we needed to take a few moments somewhere peaceful to remember her. We went for a drive not too far from our home and found a beautiful spot to spend a moment commemorating her life. We climbed a little hill that overlooked a small valley and the mountains all around. It was the greenest I have ever seen California hills; the birds were singing, flowers blooming, and the sun just peeking through the cloudy sky. It was perfect. There we spread some red rose petals and a single rose for her. Although it was a painful moment, it felt good to do something for her. We have spent so much time grieving that we haven't celebrated her life since she has died. And her life is well worth celebrating, because it has changed ours forever. 

Truth Behind the Smile

Every day is different for us and we can never predict what kind of day it will be. Some days I can barely contain my tears, and other days I am numb to everything around me. Brendan has days where he is so angry that he struggles to make simple decisions, days when he seems to be okay, and other days he is numb. The pain is still as deep and awful as it was the day Tenley died. We are beginning to accept that this pain is something we will have to live with for the rest of our lives. Whatever the future may bring, it will not bring Tenley back. The whole in our hearts cannot be filled.

I can best describe the grief as a thick blanket of fog that lays over us. It makes it hard to see things clearly, to make decisions, and worst of all it makes it hard to see anything good around us. We have found that we can easily pick out the bad things going on in this world and struggle to see any good. We have learned that Earth is a place of pain and sadness. I know there can be happiness, but we cannot see it through the fog right now.

We have gotten to the point where we can get up every day, get dressed, and go to work. We have learned to smile and laugh when we talk to others. I can even say, "Have a great day," to people now. The smile is genuine, but know, that when you see us doing these everyday things, it is not because we are healed, happy, or moving on. That is us getting stronger. The more we live, the stronger we become. Each day we make a conscious decision to act in a way that will make us stronger as individuals and a couple.

Underneath what you see I am aching for Tenley. From the moment I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night, she is on my mind. Some nights I even dream of her and how much I miss her. Every day I wonder why her life had to be so short. I know I will not have the answers until I am with her and our creator in heaven. Until then, I will smile, laugh, and function as I should, but behind what you see, the grief remains.