I Have Two Daughters

Lacey has arrived and brought our family so much joy! The moment she arrived I found some peace and relief I had been waiting for for nine months. She came out with a strong cry, a lot of brown hair, and beautiful pink lips. She is perfect!


Before her birth I had told myself that it would be ok to feel grief and sadness that day. I had anticipated feeling a lot of grief that day. I thought that Lacey's arrival would make me ache for Tenley more than I already had. But on the day of Lacey's birth that was not the case; I was so overwhelmed with joy that day that I did not feel any grief. I took in every moment special moment with Lacey and did not hold back my happiness. I held her all day, kissed her sweet face, and constantly told her how much I love her. It was one the best days of my life!

During our hospital stay I was on cloud nine (the lack of sleep and pain pills were part of that). I was amazed at how different Lacey's delivery was from Tenley's. During that time I continually thanked God for blessing us with Lacey and making her strong and healthy.

When we came home from the hospital grief began to hit me. I was in Lacey's room rocking her to sleep when I had a moment. I looked at her and again overwhelmed with love, and I couldn't believe this perfect little being was mine! And that is when it hit me that I missed even more with Tenley than I have thought. I had missed rocking her to sleep, feeding her, soothing her when she cried, and learning all the things she liked and disliked.

Over the last two and half years I have grieved Tenley and all that could have been. I had thought about missing her first day of Kindergarten, her graduation, her wedding day, and all other big life events. What I had not thought about was the all the little moments I had missed with her as a newborn. I had didn't know how strong of a connection a mother and her baby could have when they have more time for it to grow.

Grieving a child never ends. I know that as Lacey grows up I will have many more moments like this when I realize that I missed these experiences with Tenley. And although I have a beautiful, perfect little girl now... I am supposed to have two beautiful perfect little girls.

I love both my girls with every fiber of my body, but I love them differently. I wish I could love them the same, but what I have with each of them is very different. Either way, I am Tenley and Lacey's mom. Tenley made me a mom. Lacey gives me the title of mommy every day.

My Beautiful Family
Tenley's shoes are in the picture to represent her.
(photograph taken by Marele Strydom)

Tenley's Going to Be Big Sister

What a rollercoaster the last 8 and half months have been! Last November we discovered that we are pregnant again. We waited a few years after Tenley to get to this point because we knew it would be challenging and emotional... we were right.

Thanksgiving week in 2016, was the week of Tenley's 2nd birthday. It is the hardest week of the year for us because there is nothing worse than having your child's birthday without your child. This year we decided to do a virtual celebration for her by having our family and friends write her name in creative ways and send them to us. It was a beautiful way to remember our sweet girl with so many family and friends.

I was super tired that week, but I just assumed it was due to the grief and emotions. But I had a sense of peace as well; we had survived another year without Tenley and although this is sad it is also a victory.

At the end of the week we discovered that my exhaustion was not because of grief, I was a few weeks pregnant. The next week was full of some excitement and a lot of fear. We began to relive everything we went through with Tenley and wondered if this would be the same experience again. I think I called the doctor every day that week asking questions and sharing my fears.

The next few months were challenging. I had doctor appointments every few weeks to monitor the babies growth. These appointments scared us every time, but it was nice to be watched so closely. At every appointment we thought that we'd be told the worst. When we received positive news we would be relieved and happy for about an hour, then the fear would come back and we wonder when the bad news would come. Genetic testing came out normal, and we learned that we are having a girl! 💗

We kept the pregnancy quiet as long as we could. It wasn't that we didn't want to share our news with people, we just didn't want to face the questions people may have. We also didn't want people to think that because we were pregnant again everything was good in life. This child does not bring Tenley back. We knew that no matter what the outcome of this baby, we would still live with the heartache and loss of Tenley for the rest of our lives.

Despite all these feelings of fear and dealing with the pain of what could have been with Tenley, we have done our best to make the most of this pregnancy, and celebrate the good moments. That is what Tenley would want, to not worry and make the most of every moment. Even though it has been hard at times, we have tried our best to live in faith and positivity.

Tenley's little sister will be born in just a few weeks. We are so excited to meet her and hold her. This experience has been scary and emotional, but it does not change the fact that we love this little girl just like we loved her sister. We will raise her to know that she and her sister are blessings to us.