Thursday, April 2, 2015

Always On My Mind

This last month has been very difficult for us. Tenley was due March 14. On that day we went away just the two of us to distract ourselves and try to relax. The day was better than we thought it would be; it the was the next day that things took a turn. When we got home from our overnight getaway the reality that we were arriving home without a baby set in. I was no longer "supposed to be pregnant". Now I was supposed to be home with a newborn.

Ever since that weekend we have grieved for her as if she died just yesterday. We ache for her and the life we should be living with her in it. People have told us that the hard times come in waves. This wave is a long one. I wake up every day hoping the pain will be less than the day before, but so far that has not happened. 

One of the hardest parts about this time of grief is that it has been a few months since her death and in those months people have begun to forget about what we went through and what we are still trying to get through. All around us people are having fun and sometimes they expect us to be able to do the same thing. Impossible. I am a grieving mother; my daughter died only 4 months ago. How can I be expected to go out and have a good time and forget that? When we try to go and have fun there are always things that trigger the pain and that is when the fun becomes impossible. 

I know it won't be this way forever, but as of now I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to trust what others say when they tell me that it will get easier. It's that magic word... TIME. Everyone tells us that is what we need to give ourselves...TIME. I'm sure it's true, I won't deny it, but man how much?