Thursday, January 22, 2015

What is happy?

I feel like part of me is missing. Even in the moments when I am not thinking about Tenley and all that happened, I still feel this deep ache. It's exhausting living this way. Every day I get up and go through the motions. People ask me how I'm doing. I fake smile so people don't feel uncomfortable. I wish I could say... Horrible! I'm aching inside. It feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I have to try to function each day with this emptiness. The only word I can think to describe this is torture.

I don't remember what it feels like to be happy. It's been so long since I've felt it. I don't know what "having fun" is. I try to be more social and do things, but that doesn't make me happy. When I'm doing something I used to love I think about how easy it used to be to be happy. Now, happiness seems impossible. Sure I have calm moments, I can smile, sometimes even laugh. But it doesn't last long. A few seconds of numbness from the pain is all it is. 

I miss my girl. I want to hold her one more time. 

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